Captain Jack Sparrow steals show, tightrope walkers upset

Source: Amahn Intights

Parties entered into a settlement Wednesday over a dispute arising out of last year's Halloween Dance. At the event, an anonymous guest named Jacob D. dressed up as Captain Jack Sparrow from Disney's "Pirates of the Caribbean" and hoisted himself up to the wooden beams above the barn dance floor. Several ward members dressed as tightrope walkers became upset as Sparrow moved his way across the beam to the gasps of observers below.

“That should have been us up there,” commented one angry tightrope walker. The group of four tightrope-ers filed suit at the District Court of Maryland in November alleging Sparrow defamed their choice of costume by his actions and prevented them from winning the evening’s costume contest.

“We weren’t even nominated,” remarked another tightrope walker. “We could have easily taken on the couple dressed as Cookie Monster and cookie—I mean, come on!”

Costume contest officials released a press statement following the burst in media attention surrounding the suit. “Although Captain Sparrow’s actions resulted in scorn toward all things related to balance and beams, the contest pool already contained several nominees wearing tights.”

Sparrow has cut himself off from all contact with the media. Many speculate he still grapples with the pain of being kicked out of a stake dance. After event organizers coaxed Sparrow from the beams, they promptly asked him to find someone to take him home. “We always have people use the buddy system in this area,” explained Brother D. “This is Blair Witch Country, and, besides, I have reason to believe [Sparrow] was not fit to be driving.” Although no official field tests were done, event organizers believe caffeine may have been involved.

Attorneys for the parties reached an agreement in which Sparrow would come to next year’s Halloween Party without a costume. “We feel making [Sparrow] wear street clothes to the most important social event of the fall season will be adequate punishment—who wants to be known as ‘the guy who didn’t wear a constume?’”