A recent announcement from church headquarters sent a shock wave through the DC 2nd Ward as Relief Society sisters were required to return their Young Women medallions. The addition of a new value to the Young Women theme resulted in the medallions being stripped from millions of Young Women and Young Women alumni throughout the world.
"It's not like Virtue is all that different from Divine Nature anyways," suggested Tiffani S. "I just don't get why they're taking my necklace back."
Relief Society President Kristy D. made the announcement Sunday. Several sisters ran from the building before members of the Relief Society presidency could remove their necklaces. One sister was quickly rushed to the hospital after swallowing her medallion.
Hoping to secure a quick return of the medallions, President D. told sisters that lessons during the third hour will be dedicated to studying Virtue for the next four weeks. One of the lessons will occur during Enrichment in an effort to increase attendance.
Church headquarters has not responded to inquiries about whether sisters will be required to redo their Personal Progress projects to secure the return of their medallions.
Monday, February 2, 2009
OHDC2 back in business
After a seven month hiatus, OHDC2 returns. Apologies for the absence. A summer/fall semester internship took me away from DC 2nd.
Please send article ideas/suggestions to overheardindc2@gmail.com.
Happy reading!
Please send article ideas/suggestions to overheardindc2@gmail.com.
Happy reading!
Monday, May 26, 2008
Tsunami washes away fireside goers, sinners napping in beach homes saved
A tsunami wiped away attendees of Sunday’s “Beach’n Fireside,” held to give LDS singles an alternative to swimming and laying out on the Sabbath. Each year, hundreds of single Latter-day Saints make a pilgrimage to North Caroline to attend what many call the ultimate mingling event of the year. During the Memorial Day weekend event, Mormon crack (i.e. caffeine) is exchanged freely, and modesty is a fleeting thought, as singles gather at the Outer Banks.
On Sunday, after truncated church services, a leadership representative from the Washington, D.C. area announced that a fireside would be held as an option for those looking for “something better to do.” Advocates from the Eat Drink and Be Merry Coalition maintained ground, however, by successfully persuading voters to reject plans to hold the fireside inside. “We come to the beach to be at the beach,” one voter stated. “I’m here to capitalize on time in the sun.”
Delays setting up the speaker system forced organizers to push the event back slightly, causing participants to mingle idly on the beach as they waited. A magnitude 4.3 earthquake several miles out to sea caused a wall of water over four feet tall to rush inland. Participants visiting from the southern coastal states commented that it was nice to finally see some “real waves” on their trip.
Witnesses from the nearby great and spacious beach houses pointed and gasped (although observers from a distance understood the gasps as laughter) as many attendees, weighted down by modest beach attire, struggled to keep their heads above water. Several other victims experienced difficulty staying afloat holding scriptures and note-taking materials over their head to prevent water damage.
Unfortunately, lifeguards were not on duty due to Sabbath observances.
On Sunday, after truncated church services, a leadership representative from the Washington, D.C. area announced that a fireside would be held as an option for those looking for “something better to do.” Advocates from the Eat Drink and Be Merry Coalition maintained ground, however, by successfully persuading voters to reject plans to hold the fireside inside. “We come to the beach to be at the beach,” one voter stated. “I’m here to capitalize on time in the sun.”
Delays setting up the speaker system forced organizers to push the event back slightly, causing participants to mingle idly on the beach as they waited. A magnitude 4.3 earthquake several miles out to sea caused a wall of water over four feet tall to rush inland. Participants visiting from the southern coastal states commented that it was nice to finally see some “real waves” on their trip.
Witnesses from the nearby great and spacious beach houses pointed and gasped (although observers from a distance understood the gasps as laughter) as many attendees, weighted down by modest beach attire, struggled to keep their heads above water. Several other victims experienced difficulty staying afloat holding scriptures and note-taking materials over their head to prevent water damage.
Unfortunately, lifeguards were not on duty due to Sabbath observances.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Booties required for latecomers, injury results
Source: Ima Gunnafal
The protests of upset back-row-Joes were finally heard. Late arrivers were asked to put on satin booties before stepping onto the hardwood floor of “the back section” to prevent excess noise during meetings. “It’s seriously like a tap show in there,” observed back row regular Blake R. “When people walk in late all you can hear is the clapping of their shoes as they make their way to a seat—how am I supposed to hear what the person next to me is saying.”
“I welcomed the change,” noted a regular latecomer who wished to remain anonymous. “As if the squeak of opening the door to the gym wasn’t enough to get everybody’s head to turn and look at who’s coming in late, the acoustics in that room make it sound like horses are galloping to their seats.”
“Back section” patrons were asked to slip on blue booties sent to the ward house from Salt Lake City. “The foot coverings are not in the best shape because they’re leftovers from temple open houses from all over the United States,” commented Brother D, second counselor in the bishopric. “You never know whose foot has worn the sock before yours—it could have been the prophet, a head of state, or maybe just a person like you or me, which is a true testament that we are all sons and daughters of a Heavenly Father that loves us and treats us the same by making us wear blue covers over our feet when we enter the temple before dedication which happens more and more due to the increasing emphasis on temple and family history work in the church, which, as the scriptures say, are important in preparing the earth for the Second Coming and I look forward to that because it will be a time of peace and happiness all over the world and this good work can continue to go forward in the way it was intended from the foundation of the world.”
The plan seemed reasonable compared to other proposed solutions, which, among others, included replacing the gym’s hardwood floor with carpet like many church building in Utah. Bishop B. would not allow it, however, citing the stern competition we face each year during ward basketball season. “We need hardwood floors to get our teams ready, okay,” he suggested. “I’m doing everything I can to prevent us from losing our competitive edge.”
The new policy transitioned smoothly until one unidentified visitor from the Colonial 2nd Ward failed to remove her stiletto heels and slipped upon entry to the “back section.” The woman twisted her ankle and suffered a minor wrist fracture. One member of her entourage commented, “What? You thought she would take off those shoes? Did you see those shoes? They were so rock’n this place.”
The protests of upset back-row-Joes were finally heard. Late arrivers were asked to put on satin booties before stepping onto the hardwood floor of “the back section” to prevent excess noise during meetings. “It’s seriously like a tap show in there,” observed back row regular Blake R. “When people walk in late all you can hear is the clapping of their shoes as they make their way to a seat—how am I supposed to hear what the person next to me is saying.”
“I welcomed the change,” noted a regular latecomer who wished to remain anonymous. “As if the squeak of opening the door to the gym wasn’t enough to get everybody’s head to turn and look at who’s coming in late, the acoustics in that room make it sound like horses are galloping to their seats.”
“Back section” patrons were asked to slip on blue booties sent to the ward house from Salt Lake City. “The foot coverings are not in the best shape because they’re leftovers from temple open houses from all over the United States,” commented Brother D, second counselor in the bishopric. “You never know whose foot has worn the sock before yours—it could have been the prophet, a head of state, or maybe just a person like you or me, which is a true testament that we are all sons and daughters of a Heavenly Father that loves us and treats us the same by making us wear blue covers over our feet when we enter the temple before dedication which happens more and more due to the increasing emphasis on temple and family history work in the church, which, as the scriptures say, are important in preparing the earth for the Second Coming and I look forward to that because it will be a time of peace and happiness all over the world and this good work can continue to go forward in the way it was intended from the foundation of the world.”
The plan seemed reasonable compared to other proposed solutions, which, among others, included replacing the gym’s hardwood floor with carpet like many church building in Utah. Bishop B. would not allow it, however, citing the stern competition we face each year during ward basketball season. “We need hardwood floors to get our teams ready, okay,” he suggested. “I’m doing everything I can to prevent us from losing our competitive edge.”
The new policy transitioned smoothly until one unidentified visitor from the Colonial 2nd Ward failed to remove her stiletto heels and slipped upon entry to the “back section.” The woman twisted her ankle and suffered a minor wrist fracture. One member of her entourage commented, “What? You thought she would take off those shoes? Did you see those shoes? They were so rock’n this place.”
Sunday, February 17, 2008
DC 2nd sacrament bread wins “Best in Stake”
DC 2nd members walked away from today’s Stake Conference Award Ceremony with the “Best Sacrament Bread” prize. Competition judges attended randomly selected Sacrament meetings to determine which ward broke the tastiest bread. Factors playing into the decision included texture, piece size, freshness, and crust-to-non-crust ratio.
“There’s many people to thank,” expressed Elders Quorum Secretary Troy R. “We’ve been working hard to train Priesthood holders to break the bread at a reasonable size.”
Former bread-bringer, Samuel A., who recently moved to Utah, was credited for the win. Samuel often purchased hearty breads from Trader Joes. “There’s something about a bread with a little substance that gives me the will to keep going on Fast Sunday,” states Stacy A. “The white stuff seems to dissolve like cotton candy.”
An angered member from the DC 3d Ward, Sister M., told reporters that she made homemade bread every week for the past year.
The Potomac Ward took home the prize for “Highest Household Income,” while the Kentlands Ward took home the “Cleanest Chapel” award. The “Quietest Sacrament Meeting” prize—for which the DC 2nd was not a contender because of a minimum population requirement of children under three—went to the Chevy Chase Ward.
The Award Ceremony Pre-Show featured DC 2nd leadership in their finest Sunday Best. Relief Society President, Maria M., donned an elegant v-neck wool blend sweater dress by designer Banana Republic. Sister Bryan, wife of ward leader Bishop B., looked striking in a navy blue wool peplum blazer by designer Ann Taylor. The brethren looked dashing as well, Elders Quorum President Joseph C. sporting a light grey suit by designer Macey’s Department, and Ward Clerk Brian S. strutting in a brown three button mini-pinstripe suit by designer Men’s Warehouse.
“There’s many people to thank,” expressed Elders Quorum Secretary Troy R. “We’ve been working hard to train Priesthood holders to break the bread at a reasonable size.”
Former bread-bringer, Samuel A., who recently moved to Utah, was credited for the win. Samuel often purchased hearty breads from Trader Joes. “There’s something about a bread with a little substance that gives me the will to keep going on Fast Sunday,” states Stacy A. “The white stuff seems to dissolve like cotton candy.”
An angered member from the DC 3d Ward, Sister M., told reporters that she made homemade bread every week for the past year.
The Potomac Ward took home the prize for “Highest Household Income,” while the Kentlands Ward took home the “Cleanest Chapel” award. The “Quietest Sacrament Meeting” prize—for which the DC 2nd was not a contender because of a minimum population requirement of children under three—went to the Chevy Chase Ward.
The Award Ceremony Pre-Show featured DC 2nd leadership in their finest Sunday Best. Relief Society President, Maria M., donned an elegant v-neck wool blend sweater dress by designer Banana Republic. Sister Bryan, wife of ward leader Bishop B., looked striking in a navy blue wool peplum blazer by designer Ann Taylor. The brethren looked dashing as well, Elders Quorum President Joseph C. sporting a light grey suit by designer Macey’s Department, and Ward Clerk Brian S. strutting in a brown three button mini-pinstripe suit by designer Men’s Warehouse.
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Captain Jack Sparrow steals show, tightrope walkers upset
Source: Amahn IntightsParties entered into a settlement Wednesday over a dispute arising out of last year's Halloween Dance. At the event, an anonymous guest named Jacob D. dressed up as Captain Jack Sparrow from Disney's "Pirates of the Caribbean" and hoisted himself up to the wooden beams above the barn dance floor. Several ward members dressed as tightrope walkers became upset as Sparrow moved his way across the beam to the gasps of observers below.
“That should have been us up there,” commented one angry tightrope walker. The group of four tightrope-ers filed suit at the District Court of Maryland in November alleging Sparrow defamed their choice of costume by his actions and prevented them from winning the evening’s costume contest.
“We weren’t even nominated,” remarked another tightrope walker. “We could have easily taken on the couple dressed as Cookie Monster and cookie—I mean, come on!”
Costume contest officials released a press statement following the burst in media attention surrounding the suit. “Although Captain Sparrow’s actions resulted in scorn toward all things related to balance and beams, the contest pool already contained several nominees wearing tights.”
Sparrow has cut himself off from all contact with the media. Many speculate he still grapples with the pain of being kicked out of a stake dance. After event organizers coaxed Sparrow from the beams, they promptly asked him to find someone to take him home. “We always have people use the buddy system in this area,” explained Brother D. “This is Blair Witch Country, and, besides, I have reason to believe [Sparrow] was not fit to be driving.” Although no official field tests were done, event organizers believe caffeine may have been involved.
Attorneys for the parties reached an agreement in which Sparrow would come to next year’s Halloween Party without a costume. “We feel making [Sparrow] wear street clothes to the most important social event of the fall season will be adequate punishment—who wants to be known as ‘the guy who didn’t wear a constume?’”
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Sunday School bell mistaken for fire alarm, visitors, investigators flee
Source: Otto Maiway
Visitors to DC 2nd were startled Sunday after the ring of the Sunday School bell sparked panic in Gospel Essentials class. Several investigators and friends of ward members evacuated after the “5 minute” bell sounded. Although Michel C. warned flirters in the hallways of his intention to sound the bell, members of the class failed to recognize the benign nature of the ringing.
Gospel Essentials participants experienced tension from the outset of the lesson entitled, “Signs of the Second Coming.” Ward Mission Leader, Eric C., recounted the scene, “Travis lead the class in a scripture chase on the wickedness, war, and turmoil that would usher in the second coming of the Savior.”
Recent convert, Laura O., volunteered to read Doctrine & Covenants 43: 32 immediately before the incident. “… and the earth shall pass away so as by fire,” she recited, as the alarm began to ring. Panicked visitors toppled over chairs and slipped on hymnals as they scrambled toward the door. Unfortunately, the evacuation plans normally located near the exit of each classroom had been removed earlier in the week to be updated as part of the Eagle Scout project of a Chevy Chase Ward youth.
“People were headed in every direction,” Eric recalled. “There was nothing we could do to stop them from running.” Panic spread among the hallway minglers, and many evacuated with the fleeing visitors. By the time members of the bishopric restored order, the block schedule was nearly complete. Visitors that remained after the evacuation were invited to return next week, and Bishop B. promised to replace the bell with a less confusing sound for transition between classes.
Visitors to DC 2nd were startled Sunday after the ring of the Sunday School bell sparked panic in Gospel Essentials class. Several investigators and friends of ward members evacuated after the “5 minute” bell sounded. Although Michel C. warned flirters in the hallways of his intention to sound the bell, members of the class failed to recognize the benign nature of the ringing.
Gospel Essentials participants experienced tension from the outset of the lesson entitled, “Signs of the Second Coming.” Ward Mission Leader, Eric C., recounted the scene, “Travis lead the class in a scripture chase on the wickedness, war, and turmoil that would usher in the second coming of the Savior.”
Recent convert, Laura O., volunteered to read Doctrine & Covenants 43: 32 immediately before the incident. “… and the earth shall pass away so as by fire,” she recited, as the alarm began to ring. Panicked visitors toppled over chairs and slipped on hymnals as they scrambled toward the door. Unfortunately, the evacuation plans normally located near the exit of each classroom had been removed earlier in the week to be updated as part of the Eagle Scout project of a Chevy Chase Ward youth.
“People were headed in every direction,” Eric recalled. “There was nothing we could do to stop them from running.” Panic spread among the hallway minglers, and many evacuated with the fleeing visitors. By the time members of the bishopric restored order, the block schedule was nearly complete. Visitors that remained after the evacuation were invited to return next week, and Bishop B. promised to replace the bell with a less confusing sound for transition between classes.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Award nomination for DC 2nd choir director announced
Source: Conny Gradulations
The DC 2nd Choir, conducted by Susan M., performed its annual Christmas program last month. Critics in attendance agreed that the performance likely would be a top contender for the year's most prestigious awards at the National Academy of Choirs.
The program, narrated by Jennifer G., encouraged those in attendance to take advantage of the season and reflect on the example of the Savior. In addition to performances by the choir, a performance group, headed by Esther C., sang a jazz version of Silent Night. The congregation was also allowed to participate in the program, but in a limited capacity.
I love the Christmas program and look forward to it every year," explained Allison P. "It's the one time a year that I can sing the hymns accompanied by a brass ensemble."
Early this morning, the Academy announced two award nomination for Susan M. Not only is the acclaimed director in the running for Best Choir Direction, but also Most Valuable Performer. "I just wanted to spread the Christmas spirit. I never dreamed I'd be nominated for MVP," admitted the director.
Susan M. planned the program, directed the choir, and participated in the brass ensemble, a quartet that accompanied the congregational hymns. "Susan intends to tap-dance to 'O Holy Night' in next year's program. We're all very excited," stated Mary M., who traditionally performs the Christmas classic.
Several choir members reported that Susan M.'s energizing pep talks were the only reason they were able to endure the long rehearsals. "Susan definitely has earned her nominations," said brass ensemble member David O., who reported difficulty seeing his music through his tears, "The program was beautifully planned and orchestrated."
Susan M. hopes to build on the momentum from the awards to attract new choir members, particularly men, and soon will be holding try-outs for the 2008 program.
Due to the ongoing writers strike, the National Academy of Choir's Award Ceremony, which is normally held in New York's Radio City Music Hall, has been canceled. The winners will be announced in a press conference later this year.
The DC 2nd Choir, conducted by Susan M., performed its annual Christmas program last month. Critics in attendance agreed that the performance likely would be a top contender for the year's most prestigious awards at the National Academy of Choirs.
The program, narrated by Jennifer G., encouraged those in attendance to take advantage of the season and reflect on the example of the Savior. In addition to performances by the choir, a performance group, headed by Esther C., sang a jazz version of Silent Night. The congregation was also allowed to participate in the program, but in a limited capacity.
I love the Christmas program and look forward to it every year," explained Allison P. "It's the one time a year that I can sing the hymns accompanied by a brass ensemble."
Early this morning, the Academy announced two award nomination for Susan M. Not only is the acclaimed director in the running for Best Choir Direction, but also Most Valuable Performer. "I just wanted to spread the Christmas spirit. I never dreamed I'd be nominated for MVP," admitted the director.
Susan M. planned the program, directed the choir, and participated in the brass ensemble, a quartet that accompanied the congregational hymns. "Susan intends to tap-dance to 'O Holy Night' in next year's program. We're all very excited," stated Mary M., who traditionally performs the Christmas classic.
Several choir members reported that Susan M.'s energizing pep talks were the only reason they were able to endure the long rehearsals. "Susan definitely has earned her nominations," said brass ensemble member David O., who reported difficulty seeing his music through his tears, "The program was beautifully planned and orchestrated."
Susan M. hopes to build on the momentum from the awards to attract new choir members, particularly men, and soon will be holding try-outs for the 2008 program.
Due to the ongoing writers strike, the National Academy of Choir's Award Ceremony, which is normally held in New York's Radio City Music Hall, has been canceled. The winners will be announced in a press conference later this year.
Sunday, December 9, 2007
Sister missionaries clash with energy protesters at Festival of Lights
Source: Mary Holly DaizThe Festival of Lights closed early Saturday evening after a fight broke out between sister missionaries and environmentalists at the Washington, D.C. Temple Visitor’s Center. Witnesses were unable to identify who instigated the brawl, but many believe fighting started after a protester pushed away a sister missionary trying to offer a Book of Mormon.
Each year, the Visitor’s Center puts on the Festival of Lights, decorating its grounds with thousands of Christmas lights and sponsoring concerts from various area music groups. “It’s a great way to get in the spirit of the season,” commented Sister Paulsen, a sister missionary from Utah. “It’s a wonderful way for family and friends to celebrate their Christmas cheer.”
Protesters arrived early in the evening, before lights at the Visitor’s Center were turned on. One member of the group stated, “The Festival of Lights is an energy consumption nightmare. Billions of watts of energy are used to power the display for hours each night. We’re here to let them know that such waste is despicable with all that’s been going on with the ice caps.”
Protesters unsuccessfully attempted to confuse Visitor’s Center officials by counting in reverse during the traditional “countdown to lights-on.” They displayed signs with charts from Al Gore’s film, An Inconvenient Truth. One sister missionary expressed confusion, “Their axes aren’t even labeled.”
Sister missionaries eventually approached the protesters, allegedly attempting to share a Christmas message. Violence quickly ensued and lasted several minutes until Festival patrons forcibly separated the groups. One patron, who receive a black eye while attempting to hold back a sister missionary, related, “I knew our sisters had passion for the gospel, but oh holy night they put the smack down on those protesters.”
Police opted not to file any charges after interviewing witnesses.
Unclaimed lost & Found items used to promote Christmas cheer
Source: Whersa Mishoe
DC 2nd participated in its most charitable moment yet, donating unclaimed lost & found items from the 2007 Bishops Barbeque to a family in need through Maryland’s Sub-for-Santa program. Each year, hundreds of items are left at the bishop’s annual barbeque, taking up much needed space in the clerk’s office. Ward Executive Secretary John M. explained, “Have you seen how small that office is?! Try cramming a ward executive secretary, a ward clerk, an assistant ward clerk in charge of membership, an assistant ward clerk in charge of finance, an assistant ward clerk in charge of the ward website, and a few members of the bishopric in that office, and then tell me how many unclaimed pairs of sunglasses you think we can fit in there with us.”
Thanks to the innovative ideas of Compassionate Service Chair Katherine P., items for the lost & found are being used to help a family in need of assistance this holiday season. The grateful family accepted the gifts from several DC 2nd members Wednesday evening.
Ward member and gift delivery person Matt W. said, “It’s nice to see these items go to better use than just something to fidget with while waiting for someone to print off a membership directory.”
The gifts were wrapped in leftover Sacrament Meeting programs—part of DC 2nd’s efforts to “do our part” in the war against climate change.
The father of the recipient household commented upon receiving a left-handed baseball mitt, “None of us are left-handed... but... maybe... the neighbor’s dog could use it as chew toy?”
The family’s two children, having requested footwear for their growing feet, received mismatched flip-flops and one sock each. The mother was ecstatic to receive a set of car keys, but DC 2nd members quickly explained the gift did not include a car.
Other gifts included three pairs of Aviator sunglasses, barbeque tongs, two baseball bats, and a right-foot shoe. If readers recognize any of these items, they should contact Bishop Bryan immediately so that he can reclaim the items from the family.
DC 2nd participated in its most charitable moment yet, donating unclaimed lost & found items from the 2007 Bishops Barbeque to a family in need through Maryland’s Sub-for-Santa program. Each year, hundreds of items are left at the bishop’s annual barbeque, taking up much needed space in the clerk’s office. Ward Executive Secretary John M. explained, “Have you seen how small that office is?! Try cramming a ward executive secretary, a ward clerk, an assistant ward clerk in charge of membership, an assistant ward clerk in charge of finance, an assistant ward clerk in charge of the ward website, and a few members of the bishopric in that office, and then tell me how many unclaimed pairs of sunglasses you think we can fit in there with us.”
Thanks to the innovative ideas of Compassionate Service Chair Katherine P., items for the lost & found are being used to help a family in need of assistance this holiday season. The grateful family accepted the gifts from several DC 2nd members Wednesday evening.
Ward member and gift delivery person Matt W. said, “It’s nice to see these items go to better use than just something to fidget with while waiting for someone to print off a membership directory.”
The gifts were wrapped in leftover Sacrament Meeting programs—part of DC 2nd’s efforts to “do our part” in the war against climate change.
The father of the recipient household commented upon receiving a left-handed baseball mitt, “None of us are left-handed... but... maybe... the neighbor’s dog could use it as chew toy?”
The family’s two children, having requested footwear for their growing feet, received mismatched flip-flops and one sock each. The mother was ecstatic to receive a set of car keys, but DC 2nd members quickly explained the gift did not include a car.
Other gifts included three pairs of Aviator sunglasses, barbeque tongs, two baseball bats, and a right-foot shoe. If readers recognize any of these items, they should contact Bishop Bryan immediately so that he can reclaim the items from the family.
Poll: Mitt Romney is candidate most voters want to get into bar fight with
Source: The Onion
Published on 12/5/2007
According to a new survey, whether a candidate seems like they could take a sucker punch in a drunken brawl is extremely important to voters.
Published on 12/5/2007
According to a new survey, whether a candidate seems like they could take a sucker punch in a drunken brawl is extremely important to voters.
Sunday, December 2, 2007
America votes, Micah E. crowned DC 2nd 2007 Prom King, tension erupts among roommates
Source: Shulda Boted
Polls closed late Friday evening as Micah E. received a last minute surge in votes, locking in his victory for DC 2nd 2007 Prom King. For days, the race was a dead heat between Micah and his roommates, Joseph C. and Eric C. Although Micah failed to win the hearts of a majority of voters, he secured a plurality, receiving 47 percent of the votes.
“It was an honor just being nominated,” his highness commented about the Yahoo! Group poll he created himself. Yahoo! Group polls have recently emerged as a popular activity among listserv browsers. Recent topics have included, “Why do you continue to refuse to subscribe to the Ensign?” and “Think before you click—is your posting really appropriate for the listserv?”
Many doubted Micah would receive any votes at all since his calling as home teaching coordinator pales in comparison to Joseph’s position as Elders Quorum President and Eric’s position as Ward Mission Leader. “It’s not the calling that makes the man, it’s the man that makes the calling,” stated Micah, whose past callings include flower arrangement coordinator and assistant to the person who checks to make sure all the light are turned off after Sunday meetings.
Micah’s victory came at a cost to his relationships with roommates Joseph and Eric. Witnesses reported an enraged Eric quietly shutting his bedroom door without saying “good-night” the evening of the election. Joseph immediately withdrew his name from all email subscriptions to the listserv, but reasoned, “It’s not because I lost the election. It’s just, lately I’ve realized that my inbox is already too full of emails from all of my many friends... there’s just not room for announcements from someone trying to sell used bicycle breaks.”
Micah reassured voters that he would fulfill all the promises of his campaign, including 100 percent home teaching in 2008 and sharing his testimony more often during Fast & Testimony Meeting, and assured DC 2nd that he would wear his crown with dignity. “I’m so not going to be reliving that time in high school when they took away my prom crown because I couldn’t deliver on my promise to get Red Bull in the vending machines,” he recalled. “I should have never promised that—we all knew we wouldn’t drink responsibly.”
Polls closed late Friday evening as Micah E. received a last minute surge in votes, locking in his victory for DC 2nd 2007 Prom King. For days, the race was a dead heat between Micah and his roommates, Joseph C. and Eric C. Although Micah failed to win the hearts of a majority of voters, he secured a plurality, receiving 47 percent of the votes.
“It was an honor just being nominated,” his highness commented about the Yahoo! Group poll he created himself. Yahoo! Group polls have recently emerged as a popular activity among listserv browsers. Recent topics have included, “Why do you continue to refuse to subscribe to the Ensign?” and “Think before you click—is your posting really appropriate for the listserv?”
Many doubted Micah would receive any votes at all since his calling as home teaching coordinator pales in comparison to Joseph’s position as Elders Quorum President and Eric’s position as Ward Mission Leader. “It’s not the calling that makes the man, it’s the man that makes the calling,” stated Micah, whose past callings include flower arrangement coordinator and assistant to the person who checks to make sure all the light are turned off after Sunday meetings.
Micah’s victory came at a cost to his relationships with roommates Joseph and Eric. Witnesses reported an enraged Eric quietly shutting his bedroom door without saying “good-night” the evening of the election. Joseph immediately withdrew his name from all email subscriptions to the listserv, but reasoned, “It’s not because I lost the election. It’s just, lately I’ve realized that my inbox is already too full of emails from all of my many friends... there’s just not room for announcements from someone trying to sell used bicycle breaks.”
Micah reassured voters that he would fulfill all the promises of his campaign, including 100 percent home teaching in 2008 and sharing his testimony more often during Fast & Testimony Meeting, and assured DC 2nd that he would wear his crown with dignity. “I’m so not going to be reliving that time in high school when they took away my prom crown because I couldn’t deliver on my promise to get Red Bull in the vending machines,” he recalled. “I should have never promised that—we all knew we wouldn’t drink responsibly.”
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Stake conference attendance skyrockets due to internet miscommunication
Source: Ivana Hamburg(er)Members of the National Cattleman’s Beef Association descended upon today’s stake conference due to a spelling error on the ward listserv. A November 13 posting, since deleted, reminded ward members of the upcoming “steak conference.” A college intern found the posting while searching for area events at which the Association could promote beef consumption. The intern was also confused by the ward mission theme: Pray, Read, Invite, Missionaries, Ensure, more commonly know as PRIME.
Several members of the Association arrived at the 10:00 AM stake conference meeting and were quickly ushered to seats. After the first hour of the meeting, one Association member disrupted the meeting by wondering out loud, “Where’s the beef?” Missionaries, recognizing the individual’s confusion due to a similar stunt intended to get investigators to meetings last conferece, quickly approached the group after the meeting to set up lesson appointments.
President Harrison stated, “We welcome all people to our meetings, whatever the reason they come. That’s the true spirit of Christianity.”
Duped members of the Association later reported that they were grateful for the kindness of congregation members and enjoyed meeting with the missionaries after the meeting. Several expressed reluctance, however, concerning the notion that church members should “eat meat sparingly.”
Sunday, November 4, 2007
Back scratching during meetings causes skin epidemic among congregation members
Source: Scra CherAfter months of tracking a mysterious skin condition, medical officials concluded on Thursday that excessive back scratching during church meetings caused epidermal breakouts among members of the Washington, D.C. 2nd Ward. The condition, although not contagious, was cause for concern for the congregation’s membership since outbreaks occurred at such high rates.
“I’ve never seen anything like it,” stated one member of the team of physicians commissioned to investigate the phenomenon. “Such a high concentration of a noncommunicable disease in a single population is unheard of.”
Officials initially diagnosed the outbreak as a rare form of shingles but later noticed that the markings on the skin were not random-- often occurring in distinct patterns, such as lettering from the English alphabet or simplistic images, like sailboats. Further investigation revealed messages on the skin, such as, “Nephi” or “Do you know what I’m spelling?”
Those diagnosed were sent home with cortisone ointment, a steroid based solution commonly used to reduce local inflammation. Doctors stated that the inflammation should go away in the matter of days but warned future back scratching could cause permanent damage to the skin.
Males were particularly prone to the outbreak. Said one congregation member, “It’s the brethren that are the victims here... I didn’t even ask for my back to be scratched!”
A heavy back scratch-er, who wished to remain anonymous, reasoned, “When a boy sitting next to me leans forward, I just assume that he wants me to scratch away... what’s so wrong about that?”
Other members of the back scratching crowd felt the act to be an necessary form of flirtation and asserted that no other method adequately communicated liking without disrupting the spirit of worship services. Doctors suggested that if back scratching simply could not be avoided, perpetrators should trim fingernails or wear mittens in order to prevent future outbreaks.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Bench removal banned by courts
Source: Notinuf Legrum
A decision handed down by the Maryland Court of Appeals on Friday will prevent the removal of five rows of benches in the Chevy Chase Wardhouse. The church facilities management group planned to remove the benches later this week in an effort to accommodate members of the congregation with long legs. Maryland state law requires owners of historic structures to apply for a certificate from a local preservation board before making “significant changes” to a building. The Montgomery County Historic Preservation Commission denied the church’s application, and the church later appealed the Commission’s decision to the Maryland District Court.
Russ B. had this to say about the court’s decision: “They just don’t understand what it’s like to be tall and have to sit in those benches. It’s worse than being on an airplane!”
Fellow long leg-er Micah E., who is regularly seen sitting on the front row where leg space is ample, stated, “Sometimes I don’t even want to sit in the front. It’s kind of too-close-for-comfort with the speakers, if you know what I mean.”
The church hoped that by removing five rows and adjusting the distance between all the benches would allow for several extra inches of space in each row. The facilities management group also planned on building innovative, space-saving storage for hymn books under the benches to free up an additional three inches of space used by book holders currently in place on the back of the benches.
A representative from the Commission suggested that removing the benches would destroy the historical quality of the structure. “These benches have been in place for many, many years, back before people had long legs. Any alteration would seriously compromise the integrity of the site.”
The Maryland courts agreed and denied the church’s protest that the commissions actions were unreasonable. General counsel for the LDS church, Elder Wickman, plans to review the court’s decision and discuss further appeals with local attorneys during an upcoming visit. He will also participate with local leaders in stake conference meetings.
A decision handed down by the Maryland Court of Appeals on Friday will prevent the removal of five rows of benches in the Chevy Chase Wardhouse. The church facilities management group planned to remove the benches later this week in an effort to accommodate members of the congregation with long legs. Maryland state law requires owners of historic structures to apply for a certificate from a local preservation board before making “significant changes” to a building. The Montgomery County Historic Preservation Commission denied the church’s application, and the church later appealed the Commission’s decision to the Maryland District Court.
Russ B. had this to say about the court’s decision: “They just don’t understand what it’s like to be tall and have to sit in those benches. It’s worse than being on an airplane!”
Fellow long leg-er Micah E., who is regularly seen sitting on the front row where leg space is ample, stated, “Sometimes I don’t even want to sit in the front. It’s kind of too-close-for-comfort with the speakers, if you know what I mean.”
The church hoped that by removing five rows and adjusting the distance between all the benches would allow for several extra inches of space in each row. The facilities management group also planned on building innovative, space-saving storage for hymn books under the benches to free up an additional three inches of space used by book holders currently in place on the back of the benches.
A representative from the Commission suggested that removing the benches would destroy the historical quality of the structure. “These benches have been in place for many, many years, back before people had long legs. Any alteration would seriously compromise the integrity of the site.”
The Maryland courts agreed and denied the church’s protest that the commissions actions were unreasonable. General counsel for the LDS church, Elder Wickman, plans to review the court’s decision and discuss further appeals with local attorneys during an upcoming visit. He will also participate with local leaders in stake conference meetings.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
DC 2nd training ground for mission’s most coveted leadership position
Source: Doonata Spire
Former DC 2nd Ward missionary, Elder Trupp, joined Elder Palmer, also a former DC 2nd elder, as assistant to the president for the Washington, D.C. North Mission. The transition took place Wednesday morning in a traditional ceremony that included lunch at McDonald’s and high-fives from other missionaries.
“I wasn’t surprised,” reacted Bryan H., ward mission leader since April 2007. “These things happen all the time—it seems as if the mission president sends elders to our ward as a testing ground for future appointments to leadership.”
In fact, 7 of the last 13 elders to serve in DC 2nd later became assistants to the president. Former DC 2nd-elder-turned-AP, Elder Anderson, related how his experiences in DC 2nd helped develop his leadership skills: “Being a leader takes courage, and nothing requires more courage as an elder than asking an attractive, young single sister for her phone number—for referrals of course!”
President Price, who recently returned to Utah after completing three years of service, offered this explanation: “I sent potential assistants to the singles ward to see how they would respond in the face of temptation, to see if they can keep their focus when the chatter around them is about the latest music and movies.”
President Masnell, current mission president, was unavailable for comment.
The trend of sending missionaries from the single ward to the mission home is about to end, however. Current elders Cottrell and Johnson are both slated to end their missionary service in the next two transfer periods. This marks a major departure from past precedent. Analysts suggest that Mansell is seeking to establish his own policies as newly established mission president by phasing out predictors of leadership habitualized by Price.
Former DC 2nd Ward missionary, Elder Trupp, joined Elder Palmer, also a former DC 2nd elder, as assistant to the president for the Washington, D.C. North Mission. The transition took place Wednesday morning in a traditional ceremony that included lunch at McDonald’s and high-fives from other missionaries.“I wasn’t surprised,” reacted Bryan H., ward mission leader since April 2007. “These things happen all the time—it seems as if the mission president sends elders to our ward as a testing ground for future appointments to leadership.”
In fact, 7 of the last 13 elders to serve in DC 2nd later became assistants to the president. Former DC 2nd-elder-turned-AP, Elder Anderson, related how his experiences in DC 2nd helped develop his leadership skills: “Being a leader takes courage, and nothing requires more courage as an elder than asking an attractive, young single sister for her phone number—for referrals of course!”
President Price, who recently returned to Utah after completing three years of service, offered this explanation: “I sent potential assistants to the singles ward to see how they would respond in the face of temptation, to see if they can keep their focus when the chatter around them is about the latest music and movies.”
President Masnell, current mission president, was unavailable for comment.
The trend of sending missionaries from the single ward to the mission home is about to end, however. Current elders Cottrell and Johnson are both slated to end their missionary service in the next two transfer periods. This marks a major departure from past precedent. Analysts suggest that Mansell is seeking to establish his own policies as newly established mission president by phasing out predictors of leadership habitualized by Price.
Sunday, September 2, 2007
Fourth hour added to accommodate surge in testimonies
Source: Godda Eetsun
Members of DC 2nd will attend an extra hour of meetings each Fast & Testimony Sunday. The decision was made after complaints from Sunday School teachers prompted the bishopric to change the three hour block schedule.
“It’s just not fair that our [Sunday School] teachers only get like two minutes to teach their lessons on Fast Sunday,” remarked Brad G., current Sunday School president. “It’s like they’re afraid to shorten Elders Quorum and Relief Society or something.”
Recent months have witnessed a surge in the number of testimonies given during the hour-long meeting. The bishopric attempted to accommodate for the increase by adopting a policy to urge congregation members wishing to share their testimonies to “watch the clock” and be in the queue by “ten till the hour.” They also requested that testimonies after the 11:50 AM mark be “brief.”
Despite the policy, testimonies still lingered late into the second hour. Commentators suggested that the new fourth hour will allow greater flexibility when the first hour ends late. “Sunday School teachers will have ample time to share their messages, and there’ll be plenty of time for Relief Society and Elders Quorum too.”
The addition of a fourth hour has caused some tension among congregation members, however. Many cite the already problematic mid-day timing of DC 2nd meetings. “I can hardly make it through three hours without snapping at someone on Fast Sunday,” offered one anonymous dissenter. “By two o’clock I’m starving, and really should be home in isolation, taking a nap or something.”
Others suggested that other measures could be put in place to prevent spillover into Sunday School time. Some suggested using a signup sheet, while others thought congregation members could vote on line for testimonies they’d like to hear.
“Why do we sing all five verses of the closing hymn?” suggested another dissenter. “Couldn’t that save us from having to create a fourth hour?”
As an incentive to those opposed to the change, the bishopric promised extra special “break the fast” Munch-and-Mingles on the first Sunday of the month. Assistant Ward Clerk in charge of finance, Loren H., stated that extra funds will be diverted to the Munch-and-Mingle Committee. The extra funds will allow committee members to prepare buffet style events with gourmet meats and cheeses.
Members of DC 2nd will attend an extra hour of meetings each Fast & Testimony Sunday. The decision was made after complaints from Sunday School teachers prompted the bishopric to change the three hour block schedule.
“It’s just not fair that our [Sunday School] teachers only get like two minutes to teach their lessons on Fast Sunday,” remarked Brad G., current Sunday School president. “It’s like they’re afraid to shorten Elders Quorum and Relief Society or something.”
Recent months have witnessed a surge in the number of testimonies given during the hour-long meeting. The bishopric attempted to accommodate for the increase by adopting a policy to urge congregation members wishing to share their testimonies to “watch the clock” and be in the queue by “ten till the hour.” They also requested that testimonies after the 11:50 AM mark be “brief.”
Despite the policy, testimonies still lingered late into the second hour. Commentators suggested that the new fourth hour will allow greater flexibility when the first hour ends late. “Sunday School teachers will have ample time to share their messages, and there’ll be plenty of time for Relief Society and Elders Quorum too.”
The addition of a fourth hour has caused some tension among congregation members, however. Many cite the already problematic mid-day timing of DC 2nd meetings. “I can hardly make it through three hours without snapping at someone on Fast Sunday,” offered one anonymous dissenter. “By two o’clock I’m starving, and really should be home in isolation, taking a nap or something.”
Others suggested that other measures could be put in place to prevent spillover into Sunday School time. Some suggested using a signup sheet, while others thought congregation members could vote on line for testimonies they’d like to hear.
“Why do we sing all five verses of the closing hymn?” suggested another dissenter. “Couldn’t that save us from having to create a fourth hour?”
As an incentive to those opposed to the change, the bishopric promised extra special “break the fast” Munch-and-Mingles on the first Sunday of the month. Assistant Ward Clerk in charge of finance, Loren H., stated that extra funds will be diverted to the Munch-and-Mingle Committee. The extra funds will allow committee members to prepare buffet style events with gourmet meats and cheeses.
Sunday, August 5, 2007
Yoga activity results in injuries at 2007 Enrichment Retreat
Source: Iva Fallin
Several Yoga participants at the 2007 Relief Society Enrichment Retreat received injuries from falling down the hill on which the exercise routine was conducted. Those injured were not immediately available for comment, but Brittany W., chair of the enrichment committee, described the events:
“Everything was fine up until the transition between Warrior I and Warrior II. Several of the girls toppled over as they reached to grab their ankles and get into the position. It was like dominos-- one girl fell into another and pretty soon we were all falling down the hill. I’ve never seen anything like it.”
Due to limited space on retreat property, Yoga participants were forced to conduct their routine on an incline. Tami Segal, a certified instructor at the Washington, D.C. based Yoga studio Vida Fitness, warned that Yoga and similar balance-based exercises should never be conducted under such conditions. “Working on a surface that is not flat is extremely dangerous. Theses girls were luck to avoid serious spinal injuries.”
The triage unit set up at the base of the hill where the tragedy occurred quickly assessed injuries and sent those in serious condition to local area hospitals. Luckily, a bandage-making seminar conducted earlier in the day supplied ample material to treat those with flesh wounds.
Several Yoga participants at the 2007 Relief Society Enrichment Retreat received injuries from falling down the hill on which the exercise routine was conducted. Those injured were not immediately available for comment, but Brittany W., chair of the enrichment committee, described the events:
“Everything was fine up until the transition between Warrior I and Warrior II. Several of the girls toppled over as they reached to grab their ankles and get into the position. It was like dominos-- one girl fell into another and pretty soon we were all falling down the hill. I’ve never seen anything like it.”
Due to limited space on retreat property, Yoga participants were forced to conduct their routine on an incline. Tami Segal, a certified instructor at the Washington, D.C. based Yoga studio Vida Fitness, warned that Yoga and similar balance-based exercises should never be conducted under such conditions. “Working on a surface that is not flat is extremely dangerous. Theses girls were luck to avoid serious spinal injuries.”
The triage unit set up at the base of the hill where the tragedy occurred quickly assessed injuries and sent those in serious condition to local area hospitals. Luckily, a bandage-making seminar conducted earlier in the day supplied ample material to treat those with flesh wounds.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)